Little Miracles

I am missing Kuya Jess.

We have always been close friends. Even if I didn’t go often to see him at least once a week, he and I have a close bond. He always been by my side, patiently waiting. Guiding. Listening to my heart’s pain and my life’s joys. There were a lot of times when I doubted our friendship. I have taken him for granted for quite the longest time. Still, he did not abandon me. He was always there to pick me up when I’m down and celebrated every triumph in my life.

I spent a lot of time with him in the late months of last year. It was nice—meeting an old friend again. Him catching up on my life—of what I have become and what I wanted to be. I never really told him what I wanted then. We have lost touch for so long that I didn’t feel comfortable talking to him about it. A friendship taken for granted. Always there but not given enough attention. Still, he never turned his back on me. I closed my eyes and felt relief. I knew then that he knows. Even if I don’t tell him. I am amazed by his kindness and faith in me.

As someone always in and out of the hospital, discovering new bodily defects that translates to more money cash out from my pocket and into the doctors, I was ready to go. i was actually looking forward to it. With a time frame of only until 35, I was pretty damn sure I wouldn’t go much further. I was tired. I was stressed. I had nothing to hope for. Sounds dramatic but it was as bad as I it sounds. Somehow, I learned to make fun of it—trying to do all my life’s wishes before I die. I have my own checklist. Things needed to be done before I die.I was hurrying up on life. Trying to do everything all at one time, fearing I might not be able to do it again—a self imposed death penalty.
But Kuya Jess was a smart guy. He knew that it wasn’t really what I wanted. He told me it was just an excuse. An excuse not to do anything. An excuse not to be responsible. An easy way out of life.

He saw that I was just lost. He knew I just needed a hand on things—a small nudge to get me going, a tap on my shoulder to let me know I’m doing the right thing. He knew that I knew what I am made of all along but was just to scared to stand up for it. He knew. Smart guy, eh?
I saw him on Kuya Bert and Ate Daph’s patience to wait for me during our MPMs. I felt him when Arlyn, Tadel, Macey, Jen and Gladys hug me good night every time we hang out. He was with Kuya Ves—allowing me the chance to extend help to those who need it. He allowed me to be with Tito Man for a while—for me to actually realize that I deserve more and better. He was friends with my friends and he made a good effort to be in it.

I don’t really know what I have done (or what I have not done, for that matter) for me to deserve being his friend. Sometimes, I look back and it overwhelms me. I had nothing to offer but my sigh and my tears. But he took it all, no matter how unprecious it may seem.

I am very blessed. The best family support. I have most things a lot of people spent half of their lives waiting for. Good job. Wonderful career. Best friend cum boyfriend cum fiancée. Best boss. Best coworkers. Best neighbors. Best cousins. Best friends. Best of everything. Sometimes it scares me though—coz they say that there’s always two sides to every story and that may be all taken away from me in a snap. But Kuya Jess told me not to worry… and that I deserve to be happy.

I was at the office kitchen earlier and I overhead one person say, ‘If you’re always looking at what you don’t have, you will never be happy’. True. Correcto. I would have wanted to join in the conversation. I was the perfect example for that statement. I was, for quite a time, miserable for being ‘exiled’ in the land of milk and honey, tortured with homesickness, feeling cheated that I don’t get to be with the people I love. I was emotionally drained for wanting to go back to the life I used to live. Ready to surrender in my war called change. I was completely looking at the other side of the door. My glass was half empty. I missed out on a lot of things because I chose to be miserable when I always had the chance to be happy. It took a lot of tissues to drain down the tears. It took a lot from my friend Gina to tell me over and over again that everything will soon be better. It took a lot of forfeited hours of sleep from my parents and my sister to stay with me online so that I won’t be missing home that much. It took a lot of courage to let go of everything that I thought I wanted but only held me back all along. It took me a $20 umbrella, a $36 book on happiness and a $90 fee for shirt alteration before I finally understood that it is okay to be alone..that it’s okay to make a mistake and that it’s okay to be happy as I deserve to be.

I look back and I can’t help but smile. I am not there yet, but I am seeing where I should be going. Lost no more—for Kuya Jess never left me all this time. I see him in my boss’ eyes when he tries his best to help me settle better in my apartment and in my work. I hear him in Gina’s laugh, repeating over and over that everything will soon be better. I felt him in Dave’s words—that I am somebody and that I could be better.
Everyday I walk to my house from my work and I couldn’t help but smile. I’m missing Kuya Jess and I just have to look at what I have and who I am with and I know he’s just there.

Thankful

Last week was perhaps the closest feeling I have to being ‘in’ a family for the longest time.

Armed with my tickets and a bag full of clothes I didn’t realize I might not be able to use (of course, I couldn’t use shorts in the snow—but I brought it anyway, just in case *wink*), I braved traveling 1,416 miles from Miami to go to Detroit International Airport. (Sure, I was just from Costa Rica a week prior to Thanksgiving but international flights are much simpler and less crowded). With absolutely no idea on US domestic travel how-tos, it took me awhile to get my boarding pass to my boarding gate. Tired from carrying my big bag—including the fact that it was the last flight out because I still had to go to work earlier—I waited for my plane to arrive…anxious about what to expect. Scared that they might not like me. Weary about the snow. Excited about the upcoming sale. And hungry for some real food.

The first step in Michigan soil (or concrete for that matter), my nose almost fell off. I knew it would be cold but I didn’t expect it to be reeealllyy cold. Still, I pretended that I wasn’t cold at all. I did have my jacket in my backpack, but I didn’t want to look so pooffy so I didn’t bother. Stupid girl. Then I realized l am so lucky to be living at Florida—a weather paradise.

I can’t even explain how I felt being there. Nice is an understatement. More than being welcomed, I felt I was part of the family.
And then I realized how much I missed my own family. Being able to sit in a table and talk about nonsense. Laughing about anything and everything. Looking back at memories and getting the smile. I miss all of that. I miss the bickering, the petty fights, the cheers and the food my mom used to cook. I have only been here in the States for four months, but I feel as if it has been ages and ages ago since I left home and started living alone.

And as I sat there on the dinner table—eating Tita Alots ham and Tito Dante was making his ever famous Margarita while Dave was eating half of my plate —I felt I was home. Again.

I know there’s a lot that I am thankful for—and on that Thanksgiving Day, I just let out a sigh. Too many to mention, too many people to thank. I don’t even know where to start. The wind that brought me here, the people who helped me along the way, the pain I had to suffer to get to where I am now—everything—I am thankful.

I look back few months before this day and I can’t help but be proud of myself for what I have become. The stresses of having to relocate by yourself is too big a mountain to hurdle. But I realized I wasn’t alone in that ordeal—and that it was up to me to either feel good about it or not. I am more comfortable now being in the place where I am at. Occasional crying is still part of it, as one may never really fully recover from being taken away from the comforts of your own home. I am taking this ‘challenge’ a day at a time. Soon, I will be settled—braver to go to the doctors, or eat out alone, or go to the grocery on a weekend, or take a stroll around the park—but until then, I will continue to survive at my own pace. Learning along the way. Realizing that I should never use hot water in the washer or else my clothes would shrink one size. And that I should never leave plates unwashed on the sink for 2 days or your house will stink. Never be ashamed to ask for help. Cook your lunch the night before so you wont have to wake up early. And that I will never be able to do what most Americans do—taking a shower the night before and leave home the following day straight from the bed...because my hair will give away that fact.

Five days in Michigan made me realize how much I miss my family. Yet again, five days in Michigan made me realize how good it is to have a good solid family. Not yet so soon, but I hope to have my own too. And if and when I do start my own, I’m gonna make sure that my children can look back and say the same thing I am saying now: that it is soo good to be in the family that I am in now.

To my big fat ass friend who kinda invited me to Michigan (kinda means I kinda invited myself too), I can never thank you enough for everything. For everything that has happened and for everything that will happen. Who would have thought that 8-year old classmates would grow up to be best life buddies? 21 years of friendship and counting, I hope to add more to the years of memories.

Thank you Thanksgiving Day—for giving me 5 days of no work day and 5 days of being able to look 28 years back and realize how blessed I am.