Little Miracles

I am missing Kuya Jess.

We have always been close friends. Even if I didn’t go often to see him at least once a week, he and I have a close bond. He always been by my side, patiently waiting. Guiding. Listening to my heart’s pain and my life’s joys. There were a lot of times when I doubted our friendship. I have taken him for granted for quite the longest time. Still, he did not abandon me. He was always there to pick me up when I’m down and celebrated every triumph in my life.

I spent a lot of time with him in the late months of last year. It was nice—meeting an old friend again. Him catching up on my life—of what I have become and what I wanted to be. I never really told him what I wanted then. We have lost touch for so long that I didn’t feel comfortable talking to him about it. A friendship taken for granted. Always there but not given enough attention. Still, he never turned his back on me. I closed my eyes and felt relief. I knew then that he knows. Even if I don’t tell him. I am amazed by his kindness and faith in me.

As someone always in and out of the hospital, discovering new bodily defects that translates to more money cash out from my pocket and into the doctors, I was ready to go. i was actually looking forward to it. With a time frame of only until 35, I was pretty damn sure I wouldn’t go much further. I was tired. I was stressed. I had nothing to hope for. Sounds dramatic but it was as bad as I it sounds. Somehow, I learned to make fun of it—trying to do all my life’s wishes before I die. I have my own checklist. Things needed to be done before I die.I was hurrying up on life. Trying to do everything all at one time, fearing I might not be able to do it again—a self imposed death penalty.
But Kuya Jess was a smart guy. He knew that it wasn’t really what I wanted. He told me it was just an excuse. An excuse not to do anything. An excuse not to be responsible. An easy way out of life.

He saw that I was just lost. He knew I just needed a hand on things—a small nudge to get me going, a tap on my shoulder to let me know I’m doing the right thing. He knew that I knew what I am made of all along but was just to scared to stand up for it. He knew. Smart guy, eh?
I saw him on Kuya Bert and Ate Daph’s patience to wait for me during our MPMs. I felt him when Arlyn, Tadel, Macey, Jen and Gladys hug me good night every time we hang out. He was with Kuya Ves—allowing me the chance to extend help to those who need it. He allowed me to be with Tito Man for a while—for me to actually realize that I deserve more and better. He was friends with my friends and he made a good effort to be in it.

I don’t really know what I have done (or what I have not done, for that matter) for me to deserve being his friend. Sometimes, I look back and it overwhelms me. I had nothing to offer but my sigh and my tears. But he took it all, no matter how unprecious it may seem.

I am very blessed. The best family support. I have most things a lot of people spent half of their lives waiting for. Good job. Wonderful career. Best friend cum boyfriend cum fiancée. Best boss. Best coworkers. Best neighbors. Best cousins. Best friends. Best of everything. Sometimes it scares me though—coz they say that there’s always two sides to every story and that may be all taken away from me in a snap. But Kuya Jess told me not to worry… and that I deserve to be happy.

I was at the office kitchen earlier and I overhead one person say, ‘If you’re always looking at what you don’t have, you will never be happy’. True. Correcto. I would have wanted to join in the conversation. I was the perfect example for that statement. I was, for quite a time, miserable for being ‘exiled’ in the land of milk and honey, tortured with homesickness, feeling cheated that I don’t get to be with the people I love. I was emotionally drained for wanting to go back to the life I used to live. Ready to surrender in my war called change. I was completely looking at the other side of the door. My glass was half empty. I missed out on a lot of things because I chose to be miserable when I always had the chance to be happy. It took a lot of tissues to drain down the tears. It took a lot from my friend Gina to tell me over and over again that everything will soon be better. It took a lot of forfeited hours of sleep from my parents and my sister to stay with me online so that I won’t be missing home that much. It took a lot of courage to let go of everything that I thought I wanted but only held me back all along. It took me a $20 umbrella, a $36 book on happiness and a $90 fee for shirt alteration before I finally understood that it is okay to be alone..that it’s okay to make a mistake and that it’s okay to be happy as I deserve to be.

I look back and I can’t help but smile. I am not there yet, but I am seeing where I should be going. Lost no more—for Kuya Jess never left me all this time. I see him in my boss’ eyes when he tries his best to help me settle better in my apartment and in my work. I hear him in Gina’s laugh, repeating over and over that everything will soon be better. I felt him in Dave’s words—that I am somebody and that I could be better.
Everyday I walk to my house from my work and I couldn’t help but smile. I’m missing Kuya Jess and I just have to look at what I have and who I am with and I know he’s just there.