Little Miracles

I am missing Kuya Jess.

We have always been close friends. Even if I didn’t go often to see him at least once a week, he and I have a close bond. He always been by my side, patiently waiting. Guiding. Listening to my heart’s pain and my life’s joys. There were a lot of times when I doubted our friendship. I have taken him for granted for quite the longest time. Still, he did not abandon me. He was always there to pick me up when I’m down and celebrated every triumph in my life.

I spent a lot of time with him in the late months of last year. It was nice—meeting an old friend again. Him catching up on my life—of what I have become and what I wanted to be. I never really told him what I wanted then. We have lost touch for so long that I didn’t feel comfortable talking to him about it. A friendship taken for granted. Always there but not given enough attention. Still, he never turned his back on me. I closed my eyes and felt relief. I knew then that he knows. Even if I don’t tell him. I am amazed by his kindness and faith in me.

As someone always in and out of the hospital, discovering new bodily defects that translates to more money cash out from my pocket and into the doctors, I was ready to go. i was actually looking forward to it. With a time frame of only until 35, I was pretty damn sure I wouldn’t go much further. I was tired. I was stressed. I had nothing to hope for. Sounds dramatic but it was as bad as I it sounds. Somehow, I learned to make fun of it—trying to do all my life’s wishes before I die. I have my own checklist. Things needed to be done before I die.I was hurrying up on life. Trying to do everything all at one time, fearing I might not be able to do it again—a self imposed death penalty.
But Kuya Jess was a smart guy. He knew that it wasn’t really what I wanted. He told me it was just an excuse. An excuse not to do anything. An excuse not to be responsible. An easy way out of life.

He saw that I was just lost. He knew I just needed a hand on things—a small nudge to get me going, a tap on my shoulder to let me know I’m doing the right thing. He knew that I knew what I am made of all along but was just to scared to stand up for it. He knew. Smart guy, eh?
I saw him on Kuya Bert and Ate Daph’s patience to wait for me during our MPMs. I felt him when Arlyn, Tadel, Macey, Jen and Gladys hug me good night every time we hang out. He was with Kuya Ves—allowing me the chance to extend help to those who need it. He allowed me to be with Tito Man for a while—for me to actually realize that I deserve more and better. He was friends with my friends and he made a good effort to be in it.

I don’t really know what I have done (or what I have not done, for that matter) for me to deserve being his friend. Sometimes, I look back and it overwhelms me. I had nothing to offer but my sigh and my tears. But he took it all, no matter how unprecious it may seem.

I am very blessed. The best family support. I have most things a lot of people spent half of their lives waiting for. Good job. Wonderful career. Best friend cum boyfriend cum fiancée. Best boss. Best coworkers. Best neighbors. Best cousins. Best friends. Best of everything. Sometimes it scares me though—coz they say that there’s always two sides to every story and that may be all taken away from me in a snap. But Kuya Jess told me not to worry… and that I deserve to be happy.

I was at the office kitchen earlier and I overhead one person say, ‘If you’re always looking at what you don’t have, you will never be happy’. True. Correcto. I would have wanted to join in the conversation. I was the perfect example for that statement. I was, for quite a time, miserable for being ‘exiled’ in the land of milk and honey, tortured with homesickness, feeling cheated that I don’t get to be with the people I love. I was emotionally drained for wanting to go back to the life I used to live. Ready to surrender in my war called change. I was completely looking at the other side of the door. My glass was half empty. I missed out on a lot of things because I chose to be miserable when I always had the chance to be happy. It took a lot of tissues to drain down the tears. It took a lot from my friend Gina to tell me over and over again that everything will soon be better. It took a lot of forfeited hours of sleep from my parents and my sister to stay with me online so that I won’t be missing home that much. It took a lot of courage to let go of everything that I thought I wanted but only held me back all along. It took me a $20 umbrella, a $36 book on happiness and a $90 fee for shirt alteration before I finally understood that it is okay to be alone..that it’s okay to make a mistake and that it’s okay to be happy as I deserve to be.

I look back and I can’t help but smile. I am not there yet, but I am seeing where I should be going. Lost no more—for Kuya Jess never left me all this time. I see him in my boss’ eyes when he tries his best to help me settle better in my apartment and in my work. I hear him in Gina’s laugh, repeating over and over that everything will soon be better. I felt him in Dave’s words—that I am somebody and that I could be better.
Everyday I walk to my house from my work and I couldn’t help but smile. I’m missing Kuya Jess and I just have to look at what I have and who I am with and I know he’s just there.

Thankful

Last week was perhaps the closest feeling I have to being ‘in’ a family for the longest time.

Armed with my tickets and a bag full of clothes I didn’t realize I might not be able to use (of course, I couldn’t use shorts in the snow—but I brought it anyway, just in case *wink*), I braved traveling 1,416 miles from Miami to go to Detroit International Airport. (Sure, I was just from Costa Rica a week prior to Thanksgiving but international flights are much simpler and less crowded). With absolutely no idea on US domestic travel how-tos, it took me awhile to get my boarding pass to my boarding gate. Tired from carrying my big bag—including the fact that it was the last flight out because I still had to go to work earlier—I waited for my plane to arrive…anxious about what to expect. Scared that they might not like me. Weary about the snow. Excited about the upcoming sale. And hungry for some real food.

The first step in Michigan soil (or concrete for that matter), my nose almost fell off. I knew it would be cold but I didn’t expect it to be reeealllyy cold. Still, I pretended that I wasn’t cold at all. I did have my jacket in my backpack, but I didn’t want to look so pooffy so I didn’t bother. Stupid girl. Then I realized l am so lucky to be living at Florida—a weather paradise.

I can’t even explain how I felt being there. Nice is an understatement. More than being welcomed, I felt I was part of the family.
And then I realized how much I missed my own family. Being able to sit in a table and talk about nonsense. Laughing about anything and everything. Looking back at memories and getting the smile. I miss all of that. I miss the bickering, the petty fights, the cheers and the food my mom used to cook. I have only been here in the States for four months, but I feel as if it has been ages and ages ago since I left home and started living alone.

And as I sat there on the dinner table—eating Tita Alots ham and Tito Dante was making his ever famous Margarita while Dave was eating half of my plate —I felt I was home. Again.

I know there’s a lot that I am thankful for—and on that Thanksgiving Day, I just let out a sigh. Too many to mention, too many people to thank. I don’t even know where to start. The wind that brought me here, the people who helped me along the way, the pain I had to suffer to get to where I am now—everything—I am thankful.

I look back few months before this day and I can’t help but be proud of myself for what I have become. The stresses of having to relocate by yourself is too big a mountain to hurdle. But I realized I wasn’t alone in that ordeal—and that it was up to me to either feel good about it or not. I am more comfortable now being in the place where I am at. Occasional crying is still part of it, as one may never really fully recover from being taken away from the comforts of your own home. I am taking this ‘challenge’ a day at a time. Soon, I will be settled—braver to go to the doctors, or eat out alone, or go to the grocery on a weekend, or take a stroll around the park—but until then, I will continue to survive at my own pace. Learning along the way. Realizing that I should never use hot water in the washer or else my clothes would shrink one size. And that I should never leave plates unwashed on the sink for 2 days or your house will stink. Never be ashamed to ask for help. Cook your lunch the night before so you wont have to wake up early. And that I will never be able to do what most Americans do—taking a shower the night before and leave home the following day straight from the bed...because my hair will give away that fact.

Five days in Michigan made me realize how much I miss my family. Yet again, five days in Michigan made me realize how good it is to have a good solid family. Not yet so soon, but I hope to have my own too. And if and when I do start my own, I’m gonna make sure that my children can look back and say the same thing I am saying now: that it is soo good to be in the family that I am in now.

To my big fat ass friend who kinda invited me to Michigan (kinda means I kinda invited myself too), I can never thank you enough for everything. For everything that has happened and for everything that will happen. Who would have thought that 8-year old classmates would grow up to be best life buddies? 21 years of friendship and counting, I hope to add more to the years of memories.

Thank you Thanksgiving Day—for giving me 5 days of no work day and 5 days of being able to look 28 years back and realize how blessed I am.

Pura Vida

With all bags packed, I am set to go back to Miami.

Sitting here in the corner of my green bed, I have to blog and kill time as I am an hour early…forgetting that this place is an hour later than what is on my watch.

This trip to Costa Rica has been a worthwhile experience. A mixture of every little emotion that one could ever feel being in a foreign country. It wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be, considering that the language made my brain bleed, but it wasn’t as hard as I thought it could be -- for the people that I have met over the last 5 days have been so warm and generous and really went out of their way to welcome me and my companion Lourdes.

The first few hours that I got here was by far the most memorable moment for all of us. Excited for my trip here, I didn’t get to eat. And because I was up all night online, I didn’t have that much sleep either. And so there we were, with all my colleagues --the bigwigs of the project--, talking and discussing about the project that we were going to do the whole week--- and there I was, leaning against a box of cartons, ready to pass out. The moment I knew I wasn’t feeling good, I fought with what I have inside---telling myself ‘No, please please not this time please not this time’. But I did not listen to myself. It was just a matter of few seconds and everything turned white. I was out. I fainted.

The next moment I opened my eyes, all my bosses where staring at me, scared to death of what was happening. It was sooo embarrassing that I wish I could just fly out there and fly straight to Miami. I mean, how could I pass out at this moment when I am trying to make an impression with my colleagues here at Costa Rica?? I was so mad at myself. I felt really stupid. I kept apologizing and they all said there’s nothing to be sorry for. I got an ice cream after that. Cool.

The language was tough. I had 3 months to practice and all that stuck to my head were the words Adios and Hola. That’s it. The rest of it I pretended to understand. And they really thought that I understand. I didn’t. I was there looking like a sitting duck, nodding my head up and down to look like I understood -- but my mind was blank. My mind was elsewhere after that. They were all talking about work and I was imagining the bubble bath that I was going to take when we get to the hotel.

But again, everything was worthwhile. Amidst the language barrier, I gained new friends. I would like to believe that somehow I made an impression too. I am almost feeling a bit disappointed at myself for I could have done better --learn the language better then maybe I was able to join in the discussions--but I can’t be too hard on myself. This is a learning process for me, the project and all, and the language is part of that. There will be more things like this to come and I have to continually tell myself that everything’s going to be ok.
Being in Costa Rica made me really appreciate where I am right now.. How blessed I am. The place is more like where I grew up from and that made me appreciate where I am now. I have come a long way and it is but right to say Thanks to Him for bringing me to the States.

Where I am now and where I will be going next... I will always be 'that girl from the Philippines'...

Elated..

Words cannot describe what I feel today.

I am just so happy. This day has turned out to be so so great for me.

Though my asthma stole precious hours of my sleep, I actually woke up early. I woke up with a light head. Feeling that the day's gonna be alright.

I got flowers today. =) My first time. I was so excited and so happy. But at the same time, I was embarrassed. I didn't now what to do with it. So armed with blank courage, i picked it up, praying hard no one would see me. But I guess I didnt pray that hard..coz the moment the elevator opened -- there I saw Peter and Christian, with big smiles seeing the flowers. I was never so embarrased in my whole life with their teasing... which by the way followed me from the hallways all the way through my office.

Notwithstanding the embarrassment, i was actually smiling everytime I look at it. I was amazed at the thoughtfulness of the giver. I wanted to cry. it's not always that you would feel being remembered. Thank you Dave =)

And then I did some good today at work. I finally finished what I had to do. So that got me all the more happy...

Then I had to stay an hour more after work... all for nothing because the person we were waiting for did not came. It was getting dark and I knew I had to walk home. But actually, it did not scare me at all. I was up in my clouds..with my flower and my job well done...

And as I went out of the door, Christian was about to leave too. We said our goodnights and goodbyes and we walked on different directions. But I knew we were heading to the same elevator and I guess was correct. And I guess he thought about it for quiet a time and then he finally blurted out the words 'Do you want me to take you home?"... I could just die right then and there. All I was able to say was.. 'I guess..'

And there I was, sitting and chatting with him...

I'd sleep well tonight. =)

Damn.

i am shaking. i cant even control my breathing. I am so fucking nervous I never had this in my entire life before.

Never. Ever. Nada.

I just witnessed an emotional battery to the nth level. It wasn't because there was all the trash talk..it was more because the trash talking almost drove my friend to the end of his wits. He was being pushed to react, and he just blew up.

And I was there. Right in there. He was not the same person.

i hated that scene. And it keeps playing again and again in my mind.

And i wanted to scream and shout for them to stop. I just was at lost with words. And then fear took over me

And I just wanted to pluck him out of that place. He doesnt deserve all that. God, I hate him for putting up with that shit for so long.

Old

"I wont hesitate no more. No more.
There's no need to complicate, our time is short.
This is my fate. Im yours."

Im just so loving the song right now.

Smacked in the middle of Universal studios and Disneyworld, I'm here at Orlando. It was a long ride but the trip was fun. It was fun knowing Gina. Like we are soo alike almost 90% (our hair color being the 5%)..We even have the same wedding march song in mind!

Notwithstanding checking in at a WRONG hotel and had to endure the painful walk out of the wrong hotel, I am here in my hotel room (the right one now), staring at nothingness.. nothing to do really. I had just chatted with an old flame, a guy who i still feel was the greatest love of my life, and it was fun catching up on each other's lives.

Boy am I old or what?

Amazed at the Truth

I am so happy i bought this book. =)

the world turns..the seasons change

I went out to walk today.

I didn’t really know where I was going. I just had to go somewhere, anywhere. I passed by the fedex store and wished I could ship myself home.

I really don’t know what’s bugging me lately. It’s just that there is sadness in my heart. Nothing to be overly excited about. Yes I am glad I am here and that im glad im alive..but the smile is not there. I am just here… existing.. Cohabiting with the rest of the world. Wandering. Lost. Alive but dead in the inside.

In a snap, I have become this person, who wakes up everyday at 615am, goes straight to the laptop to check her mails till 630am. Put on some coffee, take a bath, get dressed by 7am. Eat breakfast till 715am, talk with the family till 745am, and at my office desk by 8am.

Everyday. Same routine. Over and over.

Everyday.

I have become an empty soul.

It has been without effort to make things better. Everyday I tell myself it’s gonna be a brighter day, with the commercial jingle in my head. I think of things I should be thankful for, and yeah, I do thank the Heavens for it. I try and try. Everyday.

Still an empty soul.

With nothing to look forward to. With no one to share emptiness with.

Sigh.

My feet brought me to this amazing bookstore. A sight for sore eyes, I scoured through every book that I could grasp. I hunger for books, though I really never had the time to read it. Half of the books I brought back home is still left unopened. I let go of all of it, except one.

A book titled ‘Too good to Leave, Too bad to Stay’.

A self help book on knowing what to decide.

Sigh. I felt so pathetic… turning to books to help me with my feelings. It was dumb and it was stupid. No matter how many books I read, if my brain is shut off, it wouldn’t work anyway.

So I left the bookstore empty handed.

With no books bought.

With no lunch taken.

Sigh.

I just want to scream and shout to wake up my senses.

Inside my Heaven

I woke up today and I promised myself I will not be sad anymore.

Well, at least I'll try not to.

I've been in pain in one too many occassions. I live and I hurt. I love and I hurt even more. For every smile that I bring, I get the hurt back. That's just how the way life works.

But I'll never let it drain me down anymore. It can still hurt me though, but i'll never let it bring me down anymore.

I will just be thankful. For everything that has happened and for everything that will come along my way.

I miss my family terribly and I want to come home so bad. But I am thankful that I am here, earning more than I expected, living the life most people dreamed of. Im thankful for the chance... the chance to change... the chance to start over. I know forever they will be there, guiding me at my back, waiting for my return. This is my ME moment. And Im thankful for them being there.

I'm sad for the love that has faded, for the wedding that will never be. I dreamed of it all my life, with the guy I loved so deeply. The pain is so great to bear. I still am at lost thinking if I had made the right call, but Im thankful for everything that has happened. it hasn't been all good times, but it wasn't bad either. Thankful for the love that was shared, making us the person who we are right now.

I'm envious of ttmn's new life. I wanted to be in it. He was a good guy and he treated me right, even if it wasn't as 'legal' as we wanted it to be. He took care of me and showed me that I deserved all the love in the world, not just the pain. He was there when I'm bursting with happiness and he picked me up when I was down. He was everything that I wanted and more... but it just couldn't be. It wasn't meant to be in the first place but we took the chance. And I will forever be thankful for that chance... the chance to love and feel that love back. But I'm happy for him. Im happy for his new life. Ours was a love so deep I know that wherever we are and whoever we will end up with, we will always be friends. We had a bond of love and friendship and I don't think it will just go away like that. A door closed on us, but it left us being better persons.

I'm thankful for the 'spermie' guy in my life. For always being there, amidst the distance, through all these years. Ours was a friendship that never faded, wherever life took us. We grew apart, but we grew together. No matter what he has become in this life, I am always proud of him. Sure, he made some stupid decisions...so stupid beyond imagination... but there is goodness underneath all the facade. And I believe in him... That one day soon he will find what he has looked for all along: happiness. That one day soon he will be who he wanted to be: a happy guy. In its truest sense of the word.

I'm anxious about work, but I know I'm gonna make it. I will try to give my best, even if at times it seems impossible. No work is too great for someone willing to learn. Sure there will be times I may be put down, but it can't pull down my spirit. I want people to be proud of me and for what I have achieved.

I'm not absolutely happy where I am right now but I know it will get better. I just want a simple and happy life. With my family and friends on my side.

Ode to Goodbye

I am saying goodbye to the life I once lived. Or maybe to the life I thought I had.

I've had this days before. Days of saying goodbye. Felt I was already brave enough to turn my back.

But somehow, someway, I still get to swing my back around and go back. Bruised. Stupid. But back. Again and again. A never ending cycle of drama. wanting to be noticed, longed to be seen.

I guess I have to be braver now, huh? There's just no turning back.

I should be happy about the liberation. I should be happy with the change.

But I don't.

It breaks my heart to know that when I walked off, you just let me.

Like I didn't matter.

Getting Back at Life

Yesterday my first night out in Miami. Yup, after 2 months, finally.

Gina, her husband and I went out to 'celebrate'. I didnt really know what we were celebrating... our friendship..the fact that it's weekend..or maybe my new life. I dont know. It doesnt really matter. We went out to this new local bar near the University of Miami. Don't even ask me questions coz i suck at it.

I never expected to have fun. I was fighting it. I didn't even want to go because I never really liked going to bars and places like that.

But I did have fun and it indeed was fun. Not even gonna talk to you what we had then.. but it was all fun and gay.

Sigh. Im thankful, though, that Gina made all these efforts to make me feel better. I wish there's a new 'relocated' guy in the office so I can also help him out...just like what Gina and the rest extended to me. I want to pay it back.. the kindness, the efforts.

Relocation changes people. It transforms you. You may think that you may know everything about life... and then it hits you in the face: There's a bigger world out there. And there is, indeed. You just got to open your eyes and decide what you want for yourself.

I know that this'll change me..but Im not gonna let this change my values. I am still me... trying, falling, standing back up and hopefully... winning.

bummer

Im ready to start a new life.

But can anyone help tell me just how can I do that?

Sigh. Im bummed today.

I just hope tomorrow's one good day.

What is my Reason?

My friend from work Gina and I hit it off immediately. Except for the blonde hair that she has, we practically have the same thing in common: leaving home to try life on our own.

She came all the way from New York. Armed only with her truck packed with whatever she can on the back, she left home and came here to Miami. Left her family, left her boyfriend, left everthing she had, left everything she knew. Only said 'see you around'. And three years after, she still cries as she still misses home.

This relocation, this experience, this chance, this change...everything came so fast. So quick I never realized it was this difficult. Sure, I was excited. Having been given that chance, sure I was pretty excited. People was envious of me, why wouldnt I be happy. There was this dream and I got the chance to hold that dream.

But never did I realize that I should have had invested my little time left back home to prepare myself for living all alone. I never expected it would be this hard. Maybe because I have never really been alone. Ever. I was always with someone, with somebody. Never even shopped alone. Never watched movies alone. There was absolutely nothing I had done alone.

I was battling with self-pity. Pride ate me out. I was still dazzled by the idea that I was a princess...that people would do things for me. But reality slapped me in the face. Not here in the States. No one to wash my clothes, or make me food, or bring me coffee at my table. No driver to drive me around, no staff to make me crazy. For a while, I was lost. I wanted to go home. All I had were tears when I go to bed at night. It was such a bad bad feeling... and I had to carry that alone.

What got me through though was when I finally convinced myself to ask for help. I asked for help .. and help did came. I was amazed by people's generosity...people I dont even know. They filled my house with furniture to make it look like a home. They filled my heart with gratitude, sometimes my tears are my payment. I had so much stress but their kindness made me go through it all.

Gina said everything happened for a reason. Not that Gina invented those words. She told me once when we were driving off to lunch. I didnt really believed in that before. I still dont. Not that I didnt want to... But because I still dont know what my reason is.

Why was I given that chance? Among all the people in that job, why was I picked?

Why was I being separated from my family?

Why was I being taken away from the life I thought I would always have.

I dont know. You answer me.

Wishing my Old Life Back

I was never born a believer, but I was a dreamer.

I dreamed of being in places, experiencing new things, meeting new people…but I never believed I could do that. I dreamed of making in big in my career and having the best job I could have…but I never believed I could have that. I always always dreamed of finding that one true love..but I never really believed that it existed.

I am the one who settles… the girl who’ll make most of what she’s stuck with. Though most would think otherwise, I never complained about my job. Sure it got to a point that it has been too tiring and too overwhelming, but I never complained I couldn’t do anymore additional job if another was given to me. I’d get that with open arms. The thing with jobs is that people never make it their own. They just pass it on to you. They give the job to you when they’re supposed to do it. Me, I was a different spirit. I owned my job. Somehow, so sickening as it may sound, I loved my job then. It was crazy and unbelievable and so tiring you couldn’t even shout to let go of a scream. But I loved it anyway.

I miss my old place...my old job. I was practically up there... The non-executive boss who works only when she wants to and drives her staff mad to meet deadlines. The girl who gets her way when she wants coffee from a fellow manager (no less) and asks for a certain food to be served for lunch. The person passionate about creating change... the one who believes that people need to be unstuck to get to where they should be. I miss preaching my staff never let anybody let them down. Not even me.

I'd like to believe that I was a good boss. I'd like to believe that when I left, they all learned something from me. And that I am that hard to forget. (oh yeah, I am that confident)

And strangely as it seem, I actually miss my old bosses (plural, I can't really count how many they were). I was a good assistant... the most highest paid clerk one could be. I was underpaid, but there was a sense of being wanted.

I look back where I came from and I am amazed to realize where I am now. Every moment, every pain, every challenge.. every bit of that was what led me here. I was one of the lucky few who was given this chance in a silver platter. Call it fate. Call it destiny. Call it pure luck. I was there at the right place at the right time... and I got invited to come here. So here I am.

It's funny...people want to get out from where they are stuck. And when they are finally out of the hole, they keep wishing they're back.

I will forever be thankful for the wind that brought me here.

Living my Miami Life

I've always thought of blogging about my Miami life.

But I dont know where to begin.

I am scared of the people, amazed at the sites, awed by the difference it has from the place where I come from. I am alone, but each day I grow braver. Not because I want to...I really have to. Life is sooo huge out here that it may swallow you.

My thoughts are too damn noisy I can't start what to write first.

Later. I just have to finish this laptop set up first.

Not my Dream

To live..or to work..in America has never been my dream.

It was everybody else's..but definitely not mine.

I never thought about it, hungered for it, yearned for it. Unwilling to give up the life I once lived. Unfascinated by the idea of relocating to a new world.

But as they say, Life will always be what it is...unpredictable.

Without asking for it, the American dream was handed to me in a gold platter. Gleaming with opportunities and all had to do was to take it.

And I did.

And now here I am.

Alone. Crying. Homesick.

Living the American dream.