the world turns..the seasons change

I went out to walk today.

I didn’t really know where I was going. I just had to go somewhere, anywhere. I passed by the fedex store and wished I could ship myself home.

I really don’t know what’s bugging me lately. It’s just that there is sadness in my heart. Nothing to be overly excited about. Yes I am glad I am here and that im glad im alive..but the smile is not there. I am just here… existing.. Cohabiting with the rest of the world. Wandering. Lost. Alive but dead in the inside.

In a snap, I have become this person, who wakes up everyday at 615am, goes straight to the laptop to check her mails till 630am. Put on some coffee, take a bath, get dressed by 7am. Eat breakfast till 715am, talk with the family till 745am, and at my office desk by 8am.

Everyday. Same routine. Over and over.

Everyday.

I have become an empty soul.

It has been without effort to make things better. Everyday I tell myself it’s gonna be a brighter day, with the commercial jingle in my head. I think of things I should be thankful for, and yeah, I do thank the Heavens for it. I try and try. Everyday.

Still an empty soul.

With nothing to look forward to. With no one to share emptiness with.

Sigh.

My feet brought me to this amazing bookstore. A sight for sore eyes, I scoured through every book that I could grasp. I hunger for books, though I really never had the time to read it. Half of the books I brought back home is still left unopened. I let go of all of it, except one.

A book titled ‘Too good to Leave, Too bad to Stay’.

A self help book on knowing what to decide.

Sigh. I felt so pathetic… turning to books to help me with my feelings. It was dumb and it was stupid. No matter how many books I read, if my brain is shut off, it wouldn’t work anyway.

So I left the bookstore empty handed.

With no books bought.

With no lunch taken.

Sigh.

I just want to scream and shout to wake up my senses.