Inside my Heaven

I woke up today and I promised myself I will not be sad anymore.

Well, at least I'll try not to.

I've been in pain in one too many occassions. I live and I hurt. I love and I hurt even more. For every smile that I bring, I get the hurt back. That's just how the way life works.

But I'll never let it drain me down anymore. It can still hurt me though, but i'll never let it bring me down anymore.

I will just be thankful. For everything that has happened and for everything that will come along my way.

I miss my family terribly and I want to come home so bad. But I am thankful that I am here, earning more than I expected, living the life most people dreamed of. Im thankful for the chance... the chance to change... the chance to start over. I know forever they will be there, guiding me at my back, waiting for my return. This is my ME moment. And Im thankful for them being there.

I'm sad for the love that has faded, for the wedding that will never be. I dreamed of it all my life, with the guy I loved so deeply. The pain is so great to bear. I still am at lost thinking if I had made the right call, but Im thankful for everything that has happened. it hasn't been all good times, but it wasn't bad either. Thankful for the love that was shared, making us the person who we are right now.

I'm envious of ttmn's new life. I wanted to be in it. He was a good guy and he treated me right, even if it wasn't as 'legal' as we wanted it to be. He took care of me and showed me that I deserved all the love in the world, not just the pain. He was there when I'm bursting with happiness and he picked me up when I was down. He was everything that I wanted and more... but it just couldn't be. It wasn't meant to be in the first place but we took the chance. And I will forever be thankful for that chance... the chance to love and feel that love back. But I'm happy for him. Im happy for his new life. Ours was a love so deep I know that wherever we are and whoever we will end up with, we will always be friends. We had a bond of love and friendship and I don't think it will just go away like that. A door closed on us, but it left us being better persons.

I'm thankful for the 'spermie' guy in my life. For always being there, amidst the distance, through all these years. Ours was a friendship that never faded, wherever life took us. We grew apart, but we grew together. No matter what he has become in this life, I am always proud of him. Sure, he made some stupid decisions...so stupid beyond imagination... but there is goodness underneath all the facade. And I believe in him... That one day soon he will find what he has looked for all along: happiness. That one day soon he will be who he wanted to be: a happy guy. In its truest sense of the word.

I'm anxious about work, but I know I'm gonna make it. I will try to give my best, even if at times it seems impossible. No work is too great for someone willing to learn. Sure there will be times I may be put down, but it can't pull down my spirit. I want people to be proud of me and for what I have achieved.

I'm not absolutely happy where I am right now but I know it will get better. I just want a simple and happy life. With my family and friends on my side.