Damn.

i am shaking. i cant even control my breathing. I am so fucking nervous I never had this in my entire life before.

Never. Ever. Nada.

I just witnessed an emotional battery to the nth level. It wasn't because there was all the trash talk..it was more because the trash talking almost drove my friend to the end of his wits. He was being pushed to react, and he just blew up.

And I was there. Right in there. He was not the same person.

i hated that scene. And it keeps playing again and again in my mind.

And i wanted to scream and shout for them to stop. I just was at lost with words. And then fear took over me

And I just wanted to pluck him out of that place. He doesnt deserve all that. God, I hate him for putting up with that shit for so long.

Old

"I wont hesitate no more. No more.
There's no need to complicate, our time is short.
This is my fate. Im yours."

Im just so loving the song right now.

Smacked in the middle of Universal studios and Disneyworld, I'm here at Orlando. It was a long ride but the trip was fun. It was fun knowing Gina. Like we are soo alike almost 90% (our hair color being the 5%)..We even have the same wedding march song in mind!

Notwithstanding checking in at a WRONG hotel and had to endure the painful walk out of the wrong hotel, I am here in my hotel room (the right one now), staring at nothingness.. nothing to do really. I had just chatted with an old flame, a guy who i still feel was the greatest love of my life, and it was fun catching up on each other's lives.

Boy am I old or what?

Amazed at the Truth

I am so happy i bought this book. =)

the world turns..the seasons change

I went out to walk today.

I didn’t really know where I was going. I just had to go somewhere, anywhere. I passed by the fedex store and wished I could ship myself home.

I really don’t know what’s bugging me lately. It’s just that there is sadness in my heart. Nothing to be overly excited about. Yes I am glad I am here and that im glad im alive..but the smile is not there. I am just here… existing.. Cohabiting with the rest of the world. Wandering. Lost. Alive but dead in the inside.

In a snap, I have become this person, who wakes up everyday at 615am, goes straight to the laptop to check her mails till 630am. Put on some coffee, take a bath, get dressed by 7am. Eat breakfast till 715am, talk with the family till 745am, and at my office desk by 8am.

Everyday. Same routine. Over and over.

Everyday.

I have become an empty soul.

It has been without effort to make things better. Everyday I tell myself it’s gonna be a brighter day, with the commercial jingle in my head. I think of things I should be thankful for, and yeah, I do thank the Heavens for it. I try and try. Everyday.

Still an empty soul.

With nothing to look forward to. With no one to share emptiness with.

Sigh.

My feet brought me to this amazing bookstore. A sight for sore eyes, I scoured through every book that I could grasp. I hunger for books, though I really never had the time to read it. Half of the books I brought back home is still left unopened. I let go of all of it, except one.

A book titled ‘Too good to Leave, Too bad to Stay’.

A self help book on knowing what to decide.

Sigh. I felt so pathetic… turning to books to help me with my feelings. It was dumb and it was stupid. No matter how many books I read, if my brain is shut off, it wouldn’t work anyway.

So I left the bookstore empty handed.

With no books bought.

With no lunch taken.

Sigh.

I just want to scream and shout to wake up my senses.

Inside my Heaven

I woke up today and I promised myself I will not be sad anymore.

Well, at least I'll try not to.

I've been in pain in one too many occassions. I live and I hurt. I love and I hurt even more. For every smile that I bring, I get the hurt back. That's just how the way life works.

But I'll never let it drain me down anymore. It can still hurt me though, but i'll never let it bring me down anymore.

I will just be thankful. For everything that has happened and for everything that will come along my way.

I miss my family terribly and I want to come home so bad. But I am thankful that I am here, earning more than I expected, living the life most people dreamed of. Im thankful for the chance... the chance to change... the chance to start over. I know forever they will be there, guiding me at my back, waiting for my return. This is my ME moment. And Im thankful for them being there.

I'm sad for the love that has faded, for the wedding that will never be. I dreamed of it all my life, with the guy I loved so deeply. The pain is so great to bear. I still am at lost thinking if I had made the right call, but Im thankful for everything that has happened. it hasn't been all good times, but it wasn't bad either. Thankful for the love that was shared, making us the person who we are right now.

I'm envious of ttmn's new life. I wanted to be in it. He was a good guy and he treated me right, even if it wasn't as 'legal' as we wanted it to be. He took care of me and showed me that I deserved all the love in the world, not just the pain. He was there when I'm bursting with happiness and he picked me up when I was down. He was everything that I wanted and more... but it just couldn't be. It wasn't meant to be in the first place but we took the chance. And I will forever be thankful for that chance... the chance to love and feel that love back. But I'm happy for him. Im happy for his new life. Ours was a love so deep I know that wherever we are and whoever we will end up with, we will always be friends. We had a bond of love and friendship and I don't think it will just go away like that. A door closed on us, but it left us being better persons.

I'm thankful for the 'spermie' guy in my life. For always being there, amidst the distance, through all these years. Ours was a friendship that never faded, wherever life took us. We grew apart, but we grew together. No matter what he has become in this life, I am always proud of him. Sure, he made some stupid decisions...so stupid beyond imagination... but there is goodness underneath all the facade. And I believe in him... That one day soon he will find what he has looked for all along: happiness. That one day soon he will be who he wanted to be: a happy guy. In its truest sense of the word.

I'm anxious about work, but I know I'm gonna make it. I will try to give my best, even if at times it seems impossible. No work is too great for someone willing to learn. Sure there will be times I may be put down, but it can't pull down my spirit. I want people to be proud of me and for what I have achieved.

I'm not absolutely happy where I am right now but I know it will get better. I just want a simple and happy life. With my family and friends on my side.

Ode to Goodbye

I am saying goodbye to the life I once lived. Or maybe to the life I thought I had.

I've had this days before. Days of saying goodbye. Felt I was already brave enough to turn my back.

But somehow, someway, I still get to swing my back around and go back. Bruised. Stupid. But back. Again and again. A never ending cycle of drama. wanting to be noticed, longed to be seen.

I guess I have to be braver now, huh? There's just no turning back.

I should be happy about the liberation. I should be happy with the change.

But I don't.

It breaks my heart to know that when I walked off, you just let me.

Like I didn't matter.

Getting Back at Life

Yesterday my first night out in Miami. Yup, after 2 months, finally.

Gina, her husband and I went out to 'celebrate'. I didnt really know what we were celebrating... our friendship..the fact that it's weekend..or maybe my new life. I dont know. It doesnt really matter. We went out to this new local bar near the University of Miami. Don't even ask me questions coz i suck at it.

I never expected to have fun. I was fighting it. I didn't even want to go because I never really liked going to bars and places like that.

But I did have fun and it indeed was fun. Not even gonna talk to you what we had then.. but it was all fun and gay.

Sigh. Im thankful, though, that Gina made all these efforts to make me feel better. I wish there's a new 'relocated' guy in the office so I can also help him out...just like what Gina and the rest extended to me. I want to pay it back.. the kindness, the efforts.

Relocation changes people. It transforms you. You may think that you may know everything about life... and then it hits you in the face: There's a bigger world out there. And there is, indeed. You just got to open your eyes and decide what you want for yourself.

I know that this'll change me..but Im not gonna let this change my values. I am still me... trying, falling, standing back up and hopefully... winning.

bummer

Im ready to start a new life.

But can anyone help tell me just how can I do that?

Sigh. Im bummed today.

I just hope tomorrow's one good day.

What is my Reason?

My friend from work Gina and I hit it off immediately. Except for the blonde hair that she has, we practically have the same thing in common: leaving home to try life on our own.

She came all the way from New York. Armed only with her truck packed with whatever she can on the back, she left home and came here to Miami. Left her family, left her boyfriend, left everthing she had, left everything she knew. Only said 'see you around'. And three years after, she still cries as she still misses home.

This relocation, this experience, this chance, this change...everything came so fast. So quick I never realized it was this difficult. Sure, I was excited. Having been given that chance, sure I was pretty excited. People was envious of me, why wouldnt I be happy. There was this dream and I got the chance to hold that dream.

But never did I realize that I should have had invested my little time left back home to prepare myself for living all alone. I never expected it would be this hard. Maybe because I have never really been alone. Ever. I was always with someone, with somebody. Never even shopped alone. Never watched movies alone. There was absolutely nothing I had done alone.

I was battling with self-pity. Pride ate me out. I was still dazzled by the idea that I was a princess...that people would do things for me. But reality slapped me in the face. Not here in the States. No one to wash my clothes, or make me food, or bring me coffee at my table. No driver to drive me around, no staff to make me crazy. For a while, I was lost. I wanted to go home. All I had were tears when I go to bed at night. It was such a bad bad feeling... and I had to carry that alone.

What got me through though was when I finally convinced myself to ask for help. I asked for help .. and help did came. I was amazed by people's generosity...people I dont even know. They filled my house with furniture to make it look like a home. They filled my heart with gratitude, sometimes my tears are my payment. I had so much stress but their kindness made me go through it all.

Gina said everything happened for a reason. Not that Gina invented those words. She told me once when we were driving off to lunch. I didnt really believed in that before. I still dont. Not that I didnt want to... But because I still dont know what my reason is.

Why was I given that chance? Among all the people in that job, why was I picked?

Why was I being separated from my family?

Why was I being taken away from the life I thought I would always have.

I dont know. You answer me.

Wishing my Old Life Back

I was never born a believer, but I was a dreamer.

I dreamed of being in places, experiencing new things, meeting new people…but I never believed I could do that. I dreamed of making in big in my career and having the best job I could have…but I never believed I could have that. I always always dreamed of finding that one true love..but I never really believed that it existed.

I am the one who settles… the girl who’ll make most of what she’s stuck with. Though most would think otherwise, I never complained about my job. Sure it got to a point that it has been too tiring and too overwhelming, but I never complained I couldn’t do anymore additional job if another was given to me. I’d get that with open arms. The thing with jobs is that people never make it their own. They just pass it on to you. They give the job to you when they’re supposed to do it. Me, I was a different spirit. I owned my job. Somehow, so sickening as it may sound, I loved my job then. It was crazy and unbelievable and so tiring you couldn’t even shout to let go of a scream. But I loved it anyway.

I miss my old place...my old job. I was practically up there... The non-executive boss who works only when she wants to and drives her staff mad to meet deadlines. The girl who gets her way when she wants coffee from a fellow manager (no less) and asks for a certain food to be served for lunch. The person passionate about creating change... the one who believes that people need to be unstuck to get to where they should be. I miss preaching my staff never let anybody let them down. Not even me.

I'd like to believe that I was a good boss. I'd like to believe that when I left, they all learned something from me. And that I am that hard to forget. (oh yeah, I am that confident)

And strangely as it seem, I actually miss my old bosses (plural, I can't really count how many they were). I was a good assistant... the most highest paid clerk one could be. I was underpaid, but there was a sense of being wanted.

I look back where I came from and I am amazed to realize where I am now. Every moment, every pain, every challenge.. every bit of that was what led me here. I was one of the lucky few who was given this chance in a silver platter. Call it fate. Call it destiny. Call it pure luck. I was there at the right place at the right time... and I got invited to come here. So here I am.

It's funny...people want to get out from where they are stuck. And when they are finally out of the hole, they keep wishing they're back.

I will forever be thankful for the wind that brought me here.